I’ve been asked many a time “If you were trapped on a deserted island, what 5 things would you want with you?”  What 5 things couldn’t you do without?

So I thought to myself “What 5 things could I/this earth in general do without?”  What and who would I send to an island void of hope, comfort and joy?  Here are my musings…


1.  Male Underwear Models: Buying boxers is pretty much just a martini away from a gay experience.  Who is the demographic they’re trying to reach?  They’d do better to put a female model wearing men’s boxers.

2.  The Bottom Feeders of YouTube: A bit wordy but stay with me…every once in a while I stroll though my living room and see the piles of VHS tapes filled with hours of family memories and adolescent tomfoolery.  And I see what remains of the shoulder-mount camcorder that made you ask “is this worth putting on film to remember forever?” every time you stretch and Atlas that bad-boy.  But now, with a camera in every pocket, purse or cell phone, no one has to ask anymore; and even that would be ok if YouTube wasn’t full of this cinematic dribble.  Now I enjoy an amazing basketball shot or a teenage freakout over Justin Beiber as much  as the next guy, but it has gotten out of hand.  I think it’s safe to say that if your descriptions starts with “sorry, I was sick…” , “don’t judge me”, or “sorry for the quality”, you probably shouldn’t be sorry.  Your parents should be sorry, for allowing you to poison the human race for this long with your special breed of dumb.

However since these people feel they deserve to be on camera, were “destined” to be on film, let’s not deprive them of that.  Set up cameras on the island and let’s make this like “The Condemned”.  Except they can only arm themselves with whatever is on QVC before their plane leaves.  Imagine the possibilities…

  • Decorative Nascar Plate collection versus Steam Vac
  • Teflon Pot Set versus Northern Lights, 400 thread count
  • Ginsu knife versus Shamwow.

3. David Hasselhoff: If I have to explain why, there’s a one-way plane ticket waiting with your name on it.

4.  TMZ, Perez Hilton, and such:   If I have to hear about one more celebrity sextape, I’m taking justice into my own hands.  We get it; Lindsay Lohan takes more shots in a night than 50 cent, celebrities are people “just like us“, and Kim Kardashian treats STDs like Pokemon…”Gotta catch em all!”

5. This one may mean nothing to you until the next time you drive onto the freeway and encounter one of these miscreants… People who stay in the slow lane and make you slow down rather than moving over.   Sure I may be overreacting to want to send them to an ultimately painful and heinous death, but these nitwit cretins are teetering on stupid.  It may only take a few people getting yanked violently from their homes in front of their children and shipped in freight cartons to the island before the slow lane empties out; it may take thousands. These are acceptable casualties.

And these are just off the top of the head…

Vote Billy Mayes in 2012